Five months into a new city, no friends here yet, two free evenings a week and most weekends. Introvert, and I am after one or two people I could call rather than a big circle. There is a board game night every Tuesday at a shop ten minutes away and a hiking group that does one long walk a month. I can commit properly to one of them. Which one actually turns into friendship?
Small argument for the hiking group: walking side by side is the easiest conversational format that exists for an introvert. No eye contact requirement, natural silences, a shared object of attention, and six hours instead of ninety minutes. One monthly walk can be more talking time than a month of Tuesdays where you are mostly reading rules aloud.
That said, I would still do the weekly one first for the reason above, and add the walk in spring.
The shared object of attention thing is real. It is why so many friendships come out of jobs and not out of parties.
Do both for eight weeks and drop whichever one you find yourself dreading on the day. Also, and this is the bit people skip: neither of these becomes friendship until somebody makes an invitation outside the structure. Getting a coffee, lending a book, come round and we will try this game. That is the actual skill, and no amount of attendance substitutes for it. Be the one who asks. It is a much smaller risk than it feels.
Board game shops also tend to have the same staff every week, which is an underrated bonus. Two of my closest friends here are people who worked behind a counter I visited a lot.
@threeleggedcat · 6mo ago · 3 replies
Weekly, and the reasoning has nothing to do with board games versus hills.
Friendship comes out of repeated unplanned exposure to the same faces. Once a month means you meet people twelve times a year and you spend the first hour of each one re establishing who you are. Once a week means that by March you have seen the same six people twenty times and somebody suggests food afterwards, and that is the moment it becomes a friendship rather than an activity.
Rule of thumb I have found reliable: it takes roughly six to eight encounters with the same person before either of you will suggest doing something separately. Pick whichever thing gets you to eight fastest.
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@sprinter_sage · 6mo ago
Ten minutes away is doing a lot of work here too. The weekly thing that is a 45 minute journey becomes a fortnightly thing by November.
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@crypt_cass · 6mo ago
The eight encounters number is oddly motivating. It makes it a countable thing rather than a vibe.
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