We've been in the flat eight months. His mum has a key from before we moved in together and uses it, usually mid-morning, sometimes when I'm working from home in pyjamas. He genuinely doesn't understand why it bothers me, says she's always been like this, and I end up looking like the one making a problem. I don't want to make him choose. What's the actual conversation here?
Separate the two things you're objecting to, because they have different fixes: the key, and the drop-ins. You might be entirely fine with her having a key if she never used it unannounced, and fine with frequent visits if she texted. Working out which one is actually the problem makes the ask much easier to say yes to.
Give him a script if he wants one. "Mum, we love seeing you, can you text before you come round now we're both working from home" is enough. People freeze on this stuff because they're trying to compose something perfect that offends nobody, and then they say nothing for a year.
Name the concrete cost. Not "it makes me uncomfortable" but "I'm on calls from nine and I've had to mute and go and get dressed three times this month". Vague discomfort is arguable, a specific Tuesday isn't.
Written down it looks petty, said out loud as two examples it sounds like a person describing their working week. Use two, not the whole list.
I have a list, honestly. I've never said it out loud because written down it looks petty.
One kind note about her: she probably has no idea. Households change when a couple properly moves in together and nobody sends a memo. She's likely doing what was fine a year ago and will be mortified rather than offended.
@bedtime_bargain · 8mo ago · 3 replies
The conversation isn't with his mum, it's with him, and the frame that usually unlocks it is household rather than mother.
Right now he hears "your mum is a problem" and defends her. What you want him to hear is "we need a rule about our home that applies to everyone", including your friends and his. That's a rule about the two of you, not a verdict on her, and it's much harder to argue with.
Then the ask is small and specific: a text first, and the key goes in a drawer for emergencies. He should be the one to say it to her, because it lands completely differently from him.
If he won't, that's the actual information, and it's better to have it at eight months than at three years.
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@notice_period · 8mo ago
Reframing it as a household rule rather than a her-problem is what I needed. I've been arguing the wrong case for months.
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@two_calendars · 8mo ago
The he-should-say-it part is doing a lot of work. Every version of this I've seen where the partner delivers the message to their own in-law goes better, no matter how kindly the other one phrases it.
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