Roughly the last eight things we arranged, six were cancelled by them somewhere between three hours and twenty minutes before. Always a real-sounding reason, always apologetic, always a suggestion to reschedule. I've said no worries every time and I don't any more. I don't want to end a fifteen year friendship over logistics but I also can't keep holding evenings open.
Fifteen years is worth one direct conversation. People go through stretches where they're barely holding it together and the tell is exactly this: they say yes because they want to want to, and then at 5pm they can't. That isn't always what's happening, but it's common enough to check before concluding they don't value your time.
Blunter view. At six of eight, the behaviour is the message whether or not they mean it as one. You can keep the friendship, just move it to the tier where you see them when you see them and don't plan around it. That's not a punishment, it's accuracy.
Right, but after the conversation rather than instead of it. Quietly downgrading is how people lose friends without either of them ever knowing why.
Practical bit: propose things closer in. "Are you free tonight?" has a much higher hit rate with a chronic canceller than something booked three weeks out, because they're answering about a state they can actually see.
@two_calendars · 6mo ago · 3 replies
Change what you're doing before you change the friendship.
Stop holding the evening. Say yes, and also make a fallback plan you'd be happy with, so a cancellation costs you nothing. Then shift to things that are cheap to cancel: a walk, a coffee near their place, something in a slot you'd be out for anyway.
Separately, and once, say the plain thing. "The last few plans have fallen through late and I've stopped counting on them, is something going on?" Said without heat that's a question rather than an accusation, and their answer tells you which friendship you actually have now.
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@hip_opener_hana · 6mo ago
Stop holding the evening is the practical unlock. I've been treating each plan as a commitment they made and getting annoyed that they treat it as an option.
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@bedtime_bargain · 6mo ago
And when you ask, ask once and let the silence sit. The temptation is to soften it instantly with "it's totally fine though", and then you've withdrawn the question.
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